Without You
by Amanda Hawthorn
Summary: GSR Grissom finally tells Sara about his upcoming sabbatical. Spoilers for LLV


**DISCLAIMER: CSI belongs to CBS and Alliance-Atlantis Productions. No infringement intended.**

**SPOILERS:** LLV and Law Of Gravity

**SUMMARY:** Grissom finally tells Sara about his sabbatical

**FEEDBACK:** Love it, but no flames please I'm fragile!!

**RATING: **T

I wanted to write a sabbatical story and throw it amongst the wonderful fics already out there. We've got some truly amazing authors in the GSR fandom, and I'm honoured and completely humbled that many of you consider me to be one of them. Thank you, every review and PM means so much to me.

One sabbatical story stands out in my mind, and I urge those of you who haven't read it yet to go and read it because it had me crying into my keyboard. It's called** 'Dirty Laundry' by Lasrevinu, **and it's one of the most beautiful pieces of work I've ever read.

Thank you once again to Kelly for her beta services, you're an absolute star and my long suffering niece who puts up with my constant obsessing over GSR!

I was going to delete parts and tweak this some more but she made me promise to leave it as it is, telling me it was perfect. Well I trust her judgment, so as promised, no tweaking, well maybe a teeny tiny little bit. I couldn't help it!

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Without You

Sunlight streamed through the gap in the curtains, sending a tiny beam of light to filter over the occupants in the bed.

Sara Sidle couldn't remember how many times she had awoken in this room, in this bed, and not been affected by the love she felt for the man still asleep beside her. Turning onto her side to face him, Sara allowed her eyes to drift across his sleeping face. He looked so peaceful in his slumber. All the lines that usually etched across his forehead during their working day had all but disappeared, making him look all that more younger.

His face had seemed to be littered with endless scowls lately and she'd given up trying to ask him why. At first she'd thought that particular cases bothered him, but over the last few months he had been slowly changing into a moodier, grouchier version of the man she loved. She hadn't been overly worried at first because when he was away from the lab he reverted back into the man she knew. When they were together he seemed to be happy, or at least she thought he was.

Up until three weeks ago she had been floating in her contentment, feeling so secure in what had become the most important relationship in her life.

Up until three weeks ago she didn't think anything could fracture the happiness she felt, but she had been wrong, so very, very wrong.

Grissom had been teetering somewhere between anger and frustration for the past few weeks, becoming distant and damn near unapproachable by everyone around him. She'd seen this in him before, and she'd developed her own way of calming him, knowing how to keep the tone in her voice just soft enough to break through his aggravation. But even she had started to notice that that particular tactic wasn't working as well as it used to and the darkness of his moods were causing her some concern.

Some days he ignored her for hours on end not only at work, but at home too. He practically refused to speak when she asked him what was wrong, answering only with a gruff 'I'm fine' or a wave of his hand. She hardly recognised him anymore and his sudden mood swings were starting to scare her.

He would never hurt her, she knew that, but his moods often transported her back to her childhood. His silence scared her the most. She remembered her father's silence at the dinner table, everyone eating while on tenterhooks, terrified eyes watching, and waiting, no one daring to speak or make a sound for fear of sparking off his temper.

Part of her wanted to flee, to run away as fast as she could and never come back, but she loved him too much to walk away. Whatever was going through his mind was somewhere she couldn't reach and she'd started to doubt herself, not just as a girlfriend but also as a person. So she'd found herself making excuses to stay away, to give him his space. The logical part of her was watching and waiting, needing to see if her absence lifted his irritability. She was secretly terrified that she could have been causing his recent moods, and the insecure part of her heart was telling her he didn't want her anymore.

Snippets of past conversations came floating back to her mind. He'd once spoken of suffocation and being unable to breathe, and she'd begun to wonder if that's what she was doing. Was she suffocating him now? Back when he'd first spoken those words they hadn't been together long, and she'd thought he'd been referring to their sex life, or at that time, the lack of one. So she'd backed off then, stayed away from him at work and spent more time alone at her apartment. She'd thought it's what he wanted, but when he showed up at her apartment and kissed her with such hunger, all the doubts flew out of her mind.

Three weeks ago though those doubts returned with a vengeance, and everything seemed to changed. The safe confines of her love for him were slowly beginning to wear away and she was left in a terrifying situation. That night she had watched him, his usual silence sending shudders through her heart as she suddenly realised that they could be recreating a scene from her past. Doubts of her worthiness had been playing havoc with her mind for weeks and she needed his reassurance that she was still wanted, but she'd been too afraid of his answer. Tears filled her eyes as she remembered the look on his face when she'd finally had the courage to confront him.

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"I was thinking. Maybe I should stay at my place tonight…"

Grissom looked at her in bewilderment, and put his knife and fork down onto his plate with a clatter. "What? Why?"

Sara pushed her untouched plate of food away and slowly looked up to meet his eyes. "I think you need some time alone."

He watched her silently for a few moments as her eyes met his only to fall away almost instantly, and he suddenly realised how much he'd missed her. Something in her eyes caused him to take a good look at her, probably the first real look for weeks, and he didn't like what he saw. Her body, which was usually so vibrant and humming with life, seemed subdued. When had she become so pale?

Reaching across the table he clasped her hand in his. "I don't need to be alone, Sara." His voice shook slightly when he realised how much his ignorance had hurt her. "Why would I want you to go anywhere?"

Sara's eyes left his to look down at their joined hands. No matter how much she tried to control her emotions she couldn't stop the slight quiver of her bottom lip as she tried to speak without breaking. "A few months ago you said you couldn't breathe…I just thought that maybe you still felt that way…I don't know anymore."

"I never said I couldn't breathe—"

"Yes you did," she told him quickly, her voice shaking as she met his gaze. "You said that couple we were investigating were suffocating each other and he couldn't breathe…and whether you deny it or not, I know you meant us."

"Sara—"

"Am I suffocating you?" she asked quietly.

"Sara, no…honey you're not doing anything like that to me." Getting up from the table he came around to kneel on the floor beside her, his hands still joined with hers. "You're the only person in my life that keeps me sane."

Tears filled her eyes as she clasped his fingers tightly in her own. "If that's true, then why are you acting this way? You've been so distant and moody and you won't tell me what's wrong. I'm not a mind reader, Gil. I can't see what's going on in that mind of yours. I wish I could because you are so confusing."

Grissom sighed and brought their joined hands up to his lips to place a soft kiss on her knuckles. He could see the unmistakable doubt in her eyes as he tugged on her hands, standing up slowly and pulling her to her feet. They stood, hands and eyes links for a few more seconds before he released her to wrap his arms tightly around her. "I'm so sorry, Sara," he groaned as he buried his head into the crook of her neck. "I didn't realise I was hurting you…I've…had a lot on my mind."

"I know," she whispered against his ear, her whole body shaking with relief in his arms. "I've been so worried about you."

"God, honey…" he held her tighter as he left the safe confines of her neck and started planting soft kisses into her hair, all the while hoping she knew how much she meant to him. He didn't want to ever let her go, but he knew he had to tell her the truth; he'd put it off for far too long. Slowly he pulled away, his hands sliding down her arms until their fingers met, intertwining. Leaning forward he placed a soft kiss on her lips, lingering against her for a few heavenly moments before pulling back to meet her gaze.

"I have something to show you."

"Okay," she whispered, her voice was still shaking as he started to tug on her hand, leading her towards the other side of the room.

Pushing her gently to sit down onto the leather couch he moved away from her for a few seconds to grab for the briefcase that was propped up against the coffee table. His hands were shaking as he opened it, knowing that what he had to show her wasn't good news, not for her anyway. His fingers wrapped around the small envelope, the one thing that had caused his head to ache for so many weeks. He knew he needed to use this excuse to retreat into a world without the constant death they saw each day, and he'd accepted almost instantly without another thought. But then Sara had come home to him and showered him with so much love, love that he knew he didn't deserve because he'd made a major decision without consulting her.

He'd felt guilty almost instantly. That guilt escalated every time she smiled at him because he knew he hadn't told her he was leaving. So he'd retreated inside himself again, punishing her for forgiving his moodiness when he was the one who was going away. He was the one at fault here and he was terrified of losing her because of it.

His eyes found hers when he slowly came over to sit beside her and handed her the letter. "I received this a few weeks ago."

"What is it?" she asked worriedly, her eyes staring down at the envelope in her hands.

"Read it."

Sara did as he asked and slowly pulled out the folded sheet of paper and eyed itcautiously. She could feel his eyes on her even when she started to unfold it, and she swallowed hard when she realised what it was. Her eyes lingered over every line, the words etching a little more pain into her heart as she fought to breathe. He was leaving her.

The words blurred before her eyes and she knew he was speaking to her in his soft quiet tones but she couldn't hear anything but the pounding of her own heart in her ears. Her whole world had collapsed around her in less than a second and she didn't know what to do.

With shaking hands she folded the letter back up and tried to place it back inside the envelope, but her fingers were numb so she ended up thrusting the letter into his hand, watching as it fell onto the floor, forgotten and unwanted. She tried to understand his side of things, she tried to make herself give him the encouragement he so obviously needed, but right at that moment she couldn't.

"It's only for a month, Sara." His voice was soft as he reached out to enclose one of her shaking hands in his. "I have to do this."

Her first instinct was to yell at him and demand to know why he needed leave, but all she could do was nod numbly because her tongue refused to work

"I need to clear my head," he told her, trailing his hand over her shoulders when he felt her whole body shaking beside him. Reaching out he pulled her tightly against his chest, desperately trying to heal the hurt he knew he'd created. "Please understand, Sara. I need this time away."

Sara knew she should tell him she understood, and that he should go if he needed to but she couldn't understand. Why now after all this time, after they'd finally made a life for themselves, did he need to leave? Her heart was thudding wildly inside her chest as she fought to remember what life was like without him, but all she could see was heartache.

"I leave in four weeks," he told her, his voice cutting through the silence as he leaned down to place a soft kiss in her hair. "I wouldn't leave if I didn't have to…"

His words cut through her taking away the sadness to replace it with a sudden burst of anger. His arms only caused her more pain and his kisses mocked her love with betrayal. Pushing herself back up and away from him, she felt his arms slip from her body and she cursed her treacherous heart for missing his touch. She needed to put distance between them but she only managed to retreat to the edge of the sofa before defeat slipped through her lips. "Okay."

He watched her for a few seconds before closing the distance she'd placed between them. He needed her familiarity and her reassurance, just like he'd always had, and up until a few moments ago he hadn't realised how much he'd missed having them. Lifting his fingers to her hair, he brushed a few strands away from her eyes. "Are you okaywith this?"

She wanted to scream at him then and tell him he should know that she wasn't okay, but she didn't exactly have a choice either way. He needed her to be accepting even though her heart was breaking. Part of her knew he needed to go to find the peace again, but the other part of her closed down, feeling the all too familiar signs of abandonment creeping inside her heart.

Nodding silently, tears filled her eyes again but she blinked them away before he could see them. She suddenly needed to withdraw from him, unable to bear his explanations any longer. Moving away from him she quickly stood up and made her way towards the table. She needed focus, some touch of normality to smother the ache in her heart. Her body moved on autopilot, her fingers reaching out to clasp their discarded dishes as she proceeded to clean up the remains of their unwanted meal.

She couldn't speak to him right now because if she did she knew her voice would break. He needed her to be strong, even though she was struggling to understand why. Needing time away was like saying; 'I don't think we should see each other for a while.' He might as well have just told her he needed space away from her, because what little he'd offered in a way of an explanation told her nothing. But it was her strength he needed now, so that's what she would give him. Isn't that what her mother always told her? No tears, just be strong, suck up and take it. Sidle's don't cry.

Grissom watched her worriedly as she crashed around the kitchen. He knew her well enough to know that she wasn't handling his news all too well, and that was his fault again. He had been so used to being on his own and not having to confide in anyone, that he'd forgotten his life now consisted of two people instead of just one. He couldn't even remember why he'd accepted the offer of the sabbatical without thinking. Was he really so desperate to get away from Vegas?

Looking over at the woman he loved he knew he had to do something to make her see he needed her. She wasn't okay with his decision, he could see that, but she was determined not to let him see it. Pulling himself to his feet he moved into the kitchen to stand behind her at the sink and silently wrapped his arms around her waist and held her tightly against his chest, relieved when she stopped her tirade to lean back into his chest. She didn't push him away.

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Sara watched him now while he slept. Since he'd shown her the letter he'd been making more of a conscious effort to hold her, wrapping his arms around her at every opportunity. He'd started to find excuses to touch her at work, sliding his fingers over her arms at a crime scene or just simply resting his hand in the small of her back when they walked to their SUV. He also wanted to make love to her more, and even though she loved the attention, his caresses also brought sadness along with them. She was losing him; she just wasn't enough to make him stay and that hurt more than any of the harsh words he spoken to he in the past. If he really loved her then he would work out his problems along side her wouldn't he? Isn't that what couples in love were supposed to do?

Closing her eyes against the moisture building behind them she tried to calm her breathing. He would be leaving soon and yet he still hadn't told her the reason he needed to leave, and part of her suspected it was because of their relationship, or because she'd pushed too hard or hadn't loved him enough. He'd whispered he loved her a few weeks ago on the cusp of sleep, but he hadn't said it since, and she started to wonder if he remembered he's said it at all. She wanted to tell him, she wanted to whisper those three words and make him see how much he meant to her, but she was afraid. Her head hurt a she climbed out of bed and made her way to the bathroom, tears cascading over her cheeks as she went.

When Grissom awoke half an hour later it was to an empty bed. Sitting up slightly he looked around the darkened room questioningly, until he heard the shower. Laying back down he smiled to himself when he thought of the woman who was in the bathroom. So much had happened in such a short time, and he sometimes found himself holding on to her, trying to catch his breath. They'd gone from being alone to being together in every possible way. He'd never felt so alive before in his life. He knew his time away on his sabbatical would be hard on both of them, but he needed to sort out his head so that he could give her the attention she deserved when he returned.

The bathroom door opened and Sara stepped out, towelling her hair.

"Hey," she couldn't help the smile that greeted him despite the heaviness in her heart. "How are you feeling?"

Grissom gazed at her in awe; she still managed to take his breath away. "I feel great."

"Good," she smiled as she came over to sit beside him on the edge of the bed. His eyes held less of the haunted look that had been present in them for a while. "You're looking better today."

Grissom watched her silently. He knew there was something other than his sabbatical bothering her, even though she tried her hardest to hide it behind her bright smiles and loving kisses. She had become an expert at distracting him when he pried for her thoughts.

"Are you okay?" He asked, his voice soft as he rolled onto his side to watch her.

His question unnerved her slightly; she'd spent the last half hour in the bathroom trying to conceal the evidence of her anguish.

"Me?" she asked, trying to keep her voice level as she ran a brush through her wet hair. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"You seemed a little…quiet last night," he told her as he leaned up on one elbow to run a hand over her back. He loved that he could do this. Touching her was one his guilty pleasures, one he'd indulged in whole heartedly since they'd been together. "You know I'm going to miss you, don't you?"

Sara couldn't trust her own voice not to tremble if she tried to speak, so she settled for nodding silently while she blinked the moisture from her eyes before he could see it. Turning away, she reached across to place her brush on the bedside table and turned back to see his eyes watching her worriedly. No matter how much she tried to hide her fears from him she knew he could see right through her, and when he reached out to her again, she knew she was lost.

"I was thinking…" her voice shook as she spoke and she could feel her heart thumping inside her chest. "I should start taking some of my stuff back to my apartment." She felt his hand still on her back, causing her words to tumble nervously from her lips. "You're leaving in two days, so that doesn't leave me a lot of time…I could do it after work—"

She could feel the emotion welling up inside her again and she suddenly needed to put some distance between them. She felt like she was in some bizarre whacked out dream; he was the one leaving her, yet she was the one who wanted to run away. Moving quickly, she pulled away from him, feeling his hand drop from her shoulders as she made her way towards the door, but his soft, strangled whisper stopped her in her tracks, yet she couldn't bring herself to turn to face him.

"Why aren't you staying here while I'm away?"

"I'm just…" she stopped, still unwilling to turn around when her voice caught in her throat. "I didn't think you'd want me here." Without waiting for a reply she headed down the stairs, fleeing towards the kitchen.

"What?" shifting to retrieve his pants off of the floor, Grissom practically leapt out of the bed and pulled them on before hurrying down the stairs after her.

Sara knew she'd probably conveyed too much with her last comment, but even as she moved towards the coffee maker and switched it on, she didn't regret saying it. In two days she wouldn't be here and she'd have to reacquaint herself with the old routine that she'd gotten used to in her tiny apartment.

The hairs of the back of her neck alerted her to his presence, her body was already finely turned into his, but she wouldn't acknowledge it, not now when he was going away. She felt his eyes on her even before he spoke and she knew he was trying to make her see how much she meant to him, but her heart wasn't listening. In two days he would be gone and she'd have to start getting used to being alone again.

"What makes you think I don't want you here?" His voice when it finally came was so close to hear ear that she could feel his warm breath on her neck. Her body responded immediately, needing his touch just as much as she needed his healing words.

Sara closed her eyes briefly when she felt his arms wrap around her from behind to pull her into his chest. She knew he wanted an answer but she wasn't sure she had the strength to deny him any longer. Turning in his arms she smiled and leant up to kiss him, her lips lingering over his for a few heavenly moments before pulling reluctantly away. So many feelings were bubbling inside her and she cursed the sudden tears that started to well in her eyes.

"Hey," he whispered, kissing her forehead. "What's wrong?"

"It's stupid," she told him, sniffing back against the burning in her throat. "It's nothing, really."

"Honey, if you're upset then it's not nothing." Reaching a hand to her face he stroked his fingers across her cheek before wiping the beginning of a tear away. "Is it work?"

"No," she shook her head. "Work's fine."

"Then…what is it…?"

Sara relished his touch and pulled his hand to her lips, kissing his palm before holding it to her face. "I just…I need to know…" sighing heavily she smiled awkwardly. "I'm

sorry, I'm not very good at this."

Grissom waited for her to speak again, a look of confusion in his eyes. "Sara…"

Sara swallowed heavily and pulled both of his hands down to frame her face, cradling her hands over his, suddenly she needed to hear the truth from his lips instead of from her growing insecurity. "Is it because of me?"

Grissom gazed down into her tear filled eyes with confusion, how could she think that—but before he could reply and try to reassure her that his leaving was nothing to do with her, she spoke again.

"I've spent the last few weeks trying to think of everything I did, and everything I said…but I can't think of anything…but I think I must have…" shifting her head slightly she nuzzled his fingers before letting a lone tear escape from her eyes.

"Honey, no…" his voice faltered as he pulled his hands away from her face to wrap his arms around her. "You were perfect…you _are _perfect…I'm not leaving because of you, you're the only reason I'm still here."

Sara's eyes closed with his words causing fresh tears to leak down over her cheeks. She wanted to believe him, but his actions over the past few months weren't those of a man who valued her above everything else.

Grissom's hands slipped from her face to trace down her shoulders before pulling her roughly against his chest, holding her tight. "It's not because of you, honey."

"If you're not leaving because of me," she told him, her voice muffled against his chest. "Then for once be honest with me? If you don't want this…don't want me…then tell me."

Grissom sighed and planted a soft kiss into her hair. "I want you, God, honey, you're everything…please don't ever think I don't want us." His voice dried up when her body began to tremble in his arms. She needed to know the truth and why he needed to escape from Vegas, he owed her that much, if not more. "I'm so tired of all of it, Sara.," he told her, his voice shaking as he spoke. "I'm so tired of seeing only the victim's. I'm tired of having to face another person and tell them someone they love is dead…it's starting to get old."

She moved in his arms and turned her face up to look into his eyes, watching as he slipped soft kisses onto her cheek, his whispered words fanning over her skin. "I need a break from death…I need…"

"You need to find some peace," she whispered, nodding her head slightly. She understood his anguish, it was something every CSI went through at some stage or another, and she was no different. The difference was that she had leant on him and let him be her anchor. She had tried so hard to be that for him, but his recent moods had proved she wasn't what he needed to get through this.

"I wish you could have told me sooner. I would have helped you," she told him as she leant up to place a gentle kiss on his lips before pulling back to gaze up into his eyes. "Remember what you said to me when I told you about my childhood? Can you remember the things you said, because they meant everything to me…they still do." Lifting her fingers to his face she slowly traced the outline of his lips. "You said, 'You don't have to do this alone anymore'."

"I know," his breath caught on a sigh and he suddenly needed to feel her against him. Pulling his arms tightly around her slender body, he held her close to him once again. "I'm sorry, Sara. I should have told you."

"You'll know next time," she chided softly, relief swamping her heart as she pulled his head down to hers to place a soft kiss on his lips before drawing back to look up into his eyes. "Next time promise me you'll tell me?"

His eyes met hers and he was suddenly struck by how much he loved this woman. "Okay," he told her with a smile. "But only if you promise me something."

"What?" she asked curiously.

"Don't go back to your apartment. I want you to stay here…please, honey, I want you here."

Sara smiled up into his eyes. "Okay…"

The day before he was due to leave they had spent the evening together watching old movies in bed.

"Sara, you've been watching me more than you've been watching the movie," he smiled. "Are you going to tell me what's on your mind?" He sat up fully now, manoeuvring his body closer to hers.

Sara fought for the right words but she couldn't speak through the burning in her throat. Turning slightly so she could face him again, she tried to offer a small smile but failed miserably. "I'm memorizing you I guess…"

Grissom stayed silent as she spoke, struggling to hear her voice over the thudding of his heartbeat.

"Sometimes, when I wake up I lay here and watch you sleeping," she told him as a small blush tinted her cheeks. "And I can't quite believe that I could actually be this happy… I've never had this before," she motioned her hand between them, much in the same way as he had so long ago. "I've never been a part of someone else's life, or had anyone want to share mine, but this, what we have is terrifyingly good." She chanced a look at him and what she saw in his eyes gave her the courage to continue. "But you know what scares me most of all?"

"What?" he asked gently as he moved to sit up next to her. Lifting his fingers to her hair, he gently pushed a strand behind her ear before tracing his fingers down her arms and onto her thigh.

"I'm afraid that one day you're going to realize that you could do so much better than me..."

They locked gazes, their eyes meeting before their hands linked again. Grissom moved closer and squeezed her fingers. He should have known how she felt because he was feeling the exact same way. "I have that same fear."

"You do?" she asked, her breath leaving her on a sigh. "I thought it was just me who had the insecurities."

"I think it's something we both need to work on," he told her as he lifted one of her hands to his lips to kiss her knuckles. "But I can promise you that I'm happy for the first time in a very long time. You make me happy."

"You make me happy too," she whispered.

He squeezed her hand. "You can trust me."

"I _do_ trust you," she told him fiercely, blinking the tears from her eyes. "I always have."

Making a decision, Sara felt his eyes upon her as she moved closer and straddled his thighs. Her eyes met his again when she reached up to stroke the side of his face with her fingers. She longed to tell him she loved him, to whisper those words that she was so afraid to say. Love had meant abandonment when she was a child, and she didn't know if she would ever survive losing him, not now.

Taking a breath, she gazed up into his eyes, she trusted him completely, but she was still very much afraid of his reaction. If she told him would he think she was pushing him into some sort of commitment? What if he wasn't ready to hear the words spoken aloud, after all he had never been fully awake when he voiced his love for her, even though she could see the love in his eyes. She needed him to know how she felt. She needed him to know that while he was away that she would be here, waiting.

He could see her eyes pooling with tears and he pulled back to look down at her worriedly. "Sara?" he asked softly, his voice catching as he spoke.

Sara smiled up at him, her bottom lip quivering slightly as her left hand came up to join her right, framing his face. Lifting herself up higher so she was level with his eyes, she tried to control her breathing. She was tired of whispering the words to him while he slept, and she was tired of biting her tongue every time she wanted to say them aloud. It was now or never…

"Sara?" he said her name again, his own voice shaking slightly. "Honey…it's only four weeks."

Sara tried to calm her fears. She could see nothing but tenderness in his eyes, his gaze giving her the courage to say the three words that she hadn't spoken to anyone in a very long time.

"I need to tell you something," she whispered, her voice shaking as she took a breath. She kept her eyes focussed on him, the fear in his eyes causing the words to tumble from her lips. "I love you, so much…I really do…I can't let you go away without telling you…" Tears welled in her eyes as she waited for his reaction, but he hadn't moved, he still sat motionless, stunned. Sara's fears erupted inside her; maybe he didn't feel their connection as deeply as she did after all. "I'm sorry," she rambled as she started to pull away from him, her voice shaking as she tried to move off of his lap. "I shouldn't have said anything…"

Grissom caught her hand before she could pull away and almost choked on a sob as his own eyes filled with emotion. No one had said those words to him in a very long time and to hear them now, spoken from her lips was everything. Shifting closer to her, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her tight against his body, unable to speak through the tears in his voice. His heartbeat pulsed wildly in his chest to merge with hers as he struggled to control his breathing, and he suddenly found himself whispering the words that wouldn't be silenced any longer. "I love you too, so very much."

Sara's breath caught on a sob as she held him, needing to feel every part of him. She was sobbing quietly against him, and as much as she tried to stop the tears they just wouldn't stop flowing.

"Honey, please don't cry," he whispered, rocking her gently as he spoke. "Shhh, it's okay."

She sniffed back the tears, pulling away just enough to look up into his eyes. "It's just I haven't heard anyone tell me they love me in a very long time, not since my mom… and… because it's you, and I never thought I'd ever hear you say it…"

"It's been a long time since I've felt it," he told her, pulling her back against him again. "I don't think I've ever felt so deeply for anyone before in my life."

"Me neither," she whispered against him at last feeling the deep-set insecurities melting away with his words.

"I don't think I can ever let you go, Sara," he told her fiercely, his breath fanning her hair.

Pulling back, Sara reached up with delicate fingers to wipe away the tears that had trickled down his cheeks, before drawing back to gaze up into his eyes to see love mirrored back at her.

"Then don't. I'll still be here when you get back."

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" he asked, his trembling fingers dancing circles over her bare skin. "I can't believe I'm leaving you for four weeks…I…"

"Shh," she whispered, silencing him with a long hard kiss that left him gasping her name when she pulled away to gaze down at him. "We have ten hours," she whispered, as her nimble fingers began edging their way inside the hem of his pants. "Do you really want to waste time, talking?"

Grissom gasped when her fingers slipped into his boxers to capture him in her hand. Unable to form coherent words, all he could do was shake his head and sink down lower onto the bed as he lost himself in her.

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Pushing open the town house door, Sara walked into the darkness and threw her keys onto the nearby table. Sunlight filtered through the blinds, and for the first time in four weeks, she didn't close the curtains and shut the light out.

Grissom was back. He was home and that's all that mattered. No words could have described how she felt right at this moment because she had felt far much more than just the overwhelming ache of missing him.

Love, loss, fear, they all played a part in his absence. She'd cried so much in the first week, finding herself hugging the pillow that had become his over the months since they'd been together. She'd started wearing his shirts when she tried to sleep, and curling up in his bathrobe because it smelled of him.

Losing him was the one thing that scared her more than anything else. She knew that no relationship came with a lifetime guarantee, but she wished for one anyway. Both of them had taken the other for granted, loving each other silently and never thinking of what they would feel if they ever became separated.

Sara had been unprepared for the intensity of their parting. The deepening ache that swamped her heart had seemed to shroud her in darkness, sparking fears that she knew were so irrational, but couldn't help but feel.

She'd started to convince herself that he really had left to get away from her; despite of everything he'd done to convince her otherwise. She knew he loved her, but it didn't stop the niggling questions that just wouldn't die away. Had she pushed him into a relationship? Did he want her, or had she worn him down so much that he just gave in?

Week three had been the worst. He hadn't called her for two days and suddenly that fear she kept inside had sparked into doubt, and she'd managed to convince herself that he wasn't coming back. She'd tried to prepare herself for the loss, but the more she thought of losing him, the worse it became, so when he did eventually call, full of apologies and soft tones, she just lost it and burst into tears.

He'd tried to calm her, talking in gentle reassurance that he was coming back and that he still wanted to see her. She'd choked on embarrassment afterwards, she didn't want him to see her as an emotional needy girlfriend, no matter how much she may have portrayed it.

By the time week four came by she'd started to get her bearings, and even though she missed him desperately she managed to keep her spirits high. That last conversation had been everything to her and she'd positively gushed at the time. Smiling, she recalled the words that would be their last while apart.

_"Are you busy?" she'd asked him with a smile when he seemed out of breath._

_"Not too busy for you."_

_"Are you okay? You sound tired." She sank down into the pillows on their bed and closed her eyes. _

_"I'm fine. What about you? Where are you?"_

_"I've been laying in our bed for the past half hour with the phone in my hand." She chuckled softly, "Do I sound like a desperate girlfriend?"_

_"No honey," he told her, his voice causing her heart to flutter wildly. "You sound wonderful to me."_

_Sara's eyes welled with tears but she managed to keep her voice level as she spoke. "I miss you."_

_She heard him sigh heavily on the other end of the phone and she instantly worried that maybe she'd caught him at a bad time, until she heard his voice, so soft and accepting. "I miss you too, so much."_

_"Please tell me you're coming home soon," she whispered, even as a single tear slipped from her eyes._

_"Soon, honey. I promise."_

That had been two days ago. So earlier today when she'd returned from her crime scene covered in garbage stench, she hadn't been prepared for his silent return. She remembered looking down at herself and groaning internally, why did he choose this moment to see her like this?

The look in his eyes had been one of both love and longing, and he'd walked towards her, not caring what she looked or smelt like.

Sara was pretty certain by the look in his eyes that he would have followed her all the way down the corridor. He looked happy to see her, and if she hadn't have backed away things may have got a little out of hand if she'd allowed herself to be 'caught.' She had wanted to kiss him so badly, and she was certain that he wanted that too.

Glancing up at the clock she noted the time, and hoped silently that he would get here soon so she could show him just how much she'd missed him. She wanted so desperately to feel his body next to hers and his kisses to leave her breathless.

Her body ached in anticipation, needing both physical and mental release, and when she heard his key turn in the lock, her heart leapt into her throat.

They eyed each other for a few heart aching moments before his keys dropped out of his hands and his foot kicked the door closed as her body slammed against his in a desperate embrace. Grissom wrapped his arms around her, both of them relishing the feel of each other's touch. He could feel Sara shaking against him as she cried softly into his chest.

Closing his eyes he pulled her closer as he planted soft kisses into her hair. "Sara…"

Sara was confused by her feelings, she hadn't wanted to be like this, but she couldn't help it. Seeing him again had only caused those irrational fears to spark deep inside her and all she wanted was to feel him around her, and never let go.

"I missed you so much," she whispered against him, her arms winding tightly around him.

Grissom's eyes filled with emotion when he tightened his arms around her. He couldn't ever remember a time when anyone had been so happy to see him, or missed him so badly. But this beautiful woman in his arms had been his everything, and more than once while he was away he cursed himself for wasting so much time.

They stood together for what seemed like an eternity, neither willing to let go of the other. They clung together both shaking with silent sobs as they tried to pull apart but soon realised that they couldn't bear to let go of each other.

"I missed you," he whispered through the soft kisses he was placing into her hair. "I never thought it would be so hard to be away from you."

"I know," she told him, her soft breath fanning his neck. Pulling away slightly, she smiled up into his eyes. "Promise me you won't do this too often. I don't think my sanity could take it."

"Mine neither," he told her with a smile. He sighed softly when he saw the love sparkling in her eyes, and he thanked whoever was listening for bringing her into his life. Leaning forward, he pressed his lips to hers in a sweet, soft kiss, then pulled back to look down into her eyes again.

"I'm glad you're back," she whispered.

"I'm glad to be back," he whispered, feeling her gasp in a tearful breath as she tightened her hold on him. His heart spurred him onwards and he knew at that moment there would never be anyone else he could possibly love more. Suddenly all those times when he'd wanted to voice how he felt but couldn't, seemed to fade away as the words slipped so easily from him now. "I love you," he told her, his voice muffled in her hair. "I didn't realise how much until I went away."

Sara felt her heart jolt inside her chest and she suddenly felt a thousand different emotions merging into one. He was here and he was hers, heart, body and soul. She suddenly felt giddy with pride, and she wasn't sure if she would be able to keep the love from her eyes when they were at work.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder," she told him with a tearful smile.

"Yes it does," he agreed. "These last four weeks have seemed like four years."

"Tell me about it," she said as she leant into him again.

Grissom couldn't seem to tear his eyes away from hers. He had never felt so completely adored in his whole life. Wordlessly he dipped his head again and caught her lips with his own, slowly increasing pressure until her mouth opened beneath his.

Sara slid her hands up his chest and over his shoulders to bury her fingers into his hair. She moulded her body against his, needing to be as close to him as possible. One smouldering kiss followed another, as they touched and caressed, expressing their love for each other with fervent strokes.

His lips left hers to trail soft kisses down her throat, sparking passionate fires everywhere they touched. Sara angled her head to give him better access and closed her eyes as waves of desire crashed over her body. Her breath seemed to leave her in soft desperate gasps when he changed direction to begin kissing his way back towards her chin, every kiss leaving her in no doubt of his love for her.

"I love you," he whispered when he moved to her ear, his breath fanning against her skin when he continued his mantra. "I missed you…I want you…I need you."

Grissom pulled her closer. He loved this woman so much; no words could ever describe it. He was totally lost in her and when her fingers came down and raked over his chest, he knew he would give anything in his power to make her happy. No woman had ever made him feel so utterly desirable, so desperately needed, or so completely loved.

He delighted in the tiny gasps she made when he kissed his way back up her throat. She angled her neck to accommodate him, her soft gasps spurring him onwards until he couldn't bear to be parted from her any longer. He slid his lips up towards her chin placing open mouthed kisses along the way, until his lips met hers again for another scorching kiss. Manoeuvring them backwards, he edged her towards the couch, her body surrendering to him when he gently eased her down onto it.

His mouth left hers briefly so he could lift himself up and look down into her tear filled eyes. Her lips were slightly swollen and her breathing was coming in deep shuddering gasps and he didn't know if there would come a time when he could possibly love her more than he already did. Her emotion filled eyes called out to him and he slowed his movements. Leaning over her he kissed her gently, moving his lips to caress every part of her face before pulling back to gaze down into her eyes.

"I love you so much," he whispered knowing he could never tire of telling her, before dipping his head to kiss her again.

Sara choked on a sob when his lips met hers and she held on to him before he could pull back to ask her what was wrong. She opened her mouth beneath his, surrendering herself to him in every possible way. Making love with him had always been something so beautiful, and she could never have imagined anyone loving her the way he did. It had never been like this before for her, not with anyone.

Her tears spurred him onwards and he kissed her almost desperately, his need to show her that she was his world making him forget everything else. His lips left hers to leave a trail of kisses over her face, before his eyes found hers again.

"I love you, so much…don't leave me again," she whispered as tears spilled over onto her cheeks. "It's been hell without you."

"Never," he told her fiercely, punctuating his promise with a deep drugging kiss that left her in no doubt that he meant it.

Sara reached for him again and pulled him down to lie on top of her body, closing the distance as well as the pain of the last four weeks. They were going to survive this, she knew that now, and as she pulled him closer with an unspoken promise of her complete devotion, they both knew they would never again be apart.

END

Thanks for reading


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